How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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