So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
