Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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