True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
