There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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