Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
