dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
