My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
