I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
