Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
