just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
