Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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