Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
