he told me I talked like a deaf person
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
