Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
