You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
