i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
