My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
