but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
