Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
