You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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