I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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