The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
