I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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