he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
