The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
