You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
