I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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