She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
