don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
