im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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