i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
