I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
