Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
