Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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