Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
