i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the condom got lost in my hair
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
