Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
