Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize