drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize