Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
