Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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