There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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