Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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