really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize