i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
