Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
