The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
