He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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