Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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