Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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