If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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