So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
