I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
