she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Come share oat with me in your robe
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
