To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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