im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
