youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
